I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the raccoons are back...
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