I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
