Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
