I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
