I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
