my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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