I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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