I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
