I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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