Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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