Please, let me fuck your mom
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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