Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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