I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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