everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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