I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
