mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
