Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
