Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
