Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
