Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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