kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
