I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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