I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
