my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
