So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
