the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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