Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
