so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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