if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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