And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
not ubering you a puppy
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
