Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
