I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
