I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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