What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
