so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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