dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
