you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
