I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
