so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
