I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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