Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
