i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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