But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
