Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
