Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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