You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
