Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
