yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
