you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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