Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum