Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
