I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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