My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
