News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
