You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
