I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There's always time for handjobs
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
