it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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