dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
