I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
